My name's Kristine, I'm not a good
writer but writing had always been my escape prison from this world full of
uncertainties and people who by an instance created not to be my friend. I am a
person who couldn't really express emotions by talking, less by gestures but I
can easily express myself through writing, and by this, I'm not really
understood by people, I'm expecting that.
I often write not because I'm happy, more often
when I have some deeply rooted emotions that I couldn't express or cannot totally
open up to my trusted friends. I guess when I am happy, I don't need to write
them nor I am having a hard time to express it, because when I'm happy, it's
all over my face, at the bounce of my hair and curves of my body, it's all
expressed.
So okay, lately, I've been not myself. I've been
hurt. I've been angry. I've been frustrated. I've been bad. I've been
depressed. I've been thinking a lot that it seems all thoughts would not fit my
small brain anymore. That's why I'm writing now.
I had love someone ever since he came into my life,
and we've been together now for four years and six months, this is an off and
on relationship. He's in a military school. Everything was fine in his first 2
years. We're good and we're strong. But things were slowly changing, not me,
but I guess all over him. I can't blame him, I was expecting that. I told him
my biggest fears, that change. I precisely told him not to do anything like
that, in my presence, not unless we're through and by no chance at all. But he
did.
Here I am so confused. I know I can forgive him but
I can't promise to forget the pain. He said he was sorry and as always, his
regrets are the last to show.
I am distancing myself from him. Letting him go. I
need time for myself too, to think, to let go of the pain, face my fears, stand
alone, to forgive wholeheartedly, to regain that trust if most deserving, to
ask myself how much more can I take and how much more can I go.
For now, I'd like to be selfish. At
least for now.
June 15, 2013
4:39 am
2 comments