I had a short conversation with my ex-boyfriend's father (Gee, feels so good to finally say EX-BOYFRIEND) on Christmas eve and he thanked me (as a father) for the things I've done for his son.
When we were in college, yes I've made a huge difference in his life. He was the downer, I was the upper. We've been through some. I was used to having him around in my life, like a routine already. Then one day, he entered the Academy. A few months of being away and its almost like killing yourself for missing him (because you were used to). Everything was going smooth until his second year, things are slowly changing. I do not have a problem with trust, a little bit of jealousy (which is normal), more of attention seeker, the understanding one, the martyr kaydet girl. Our relationship started to be rocky, stiff and hard. Then one day, you'd just realize feelings are getting little by little interchanging. When you get so confused, you interchange things, like what is needed to what is wanted. I tend to become numb, I tend to change as well, I tend to ignore and let just things go and "bahala na". I was constantly testing him and he fails like 7/10. I thought this will be the biggest challenge but it wasn't. The most horrifying and most unexpected happened at a time you most not expected it. That was my snap, my biggest wake up call. I gave up.
When we were in college, yes I've made a huge difference in his life. He was the downer, I was the upper. We've been through some. I was used to having him around in my life, like a routine already. Then one day, he entered the Academy. A few months of being away and its almost like killing yourself for missing him (because you were used to). Everything was going smooth until his second year, things are slowly changing. I do not have a problem with trust, a little bit of jealousy (which is normal), more of attention seeker, the understanding one, the martyr kaydet girl. Our relationship started to be rocky, stiff and hard. Then one day, you'd just realize feelings are getting little by little interchanging. When you get so confused, you interchange things, like what is needed to what is wanted. I tend to become numb, I tend to change as well, I tend to ignore and let just things go and "bahala na". I was constantly testing him and he fails like 7/10. I thought this will be the biggest challenge but it wasn't. The most horrifying and most unexpected happened at a time you most not expected it. That was my snap, my biggest wake up call. I gave up.
I didn't have the courage to tell his family about us, our parting ways. So I just stayed away. But the only person I can't really bear to ignore was his mother. I visited her grave and said my prayers, my sorry's and my byes.
His father thanking me was a surprise. All along, he'd seen it and I thought he didnt. His siblings did thank me too, but it was his mother who first said that to me, when she was still here, telling me there are changes and I still need a lot of patience along this rocky road. But I have given up eventually. There is more to my own life than mending and understanding his. He was disturbed, the more confused one. He must find his own self in his own ways. Yes, men are quite late bloomers and they must be the one to find their own self in order to grow, in order to mature.
I wasn't design for this. I have my own self to discover. That thank you meant like this is really goodbye. And now I am asking myself, do I deserve that thank you after all?
**Written December 2013.
*From my Tumblr account (deleted note).
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