I still remember that night. I was on duty tending an intubated male patient and I had to tend another patient who is a DNR, family members just waiting for the oxygen tank to run out before they could say its over, before they could remove her from the mech vent on my assist. And when she took her last breath, I did the post-mortem care after while the family members went outside. And then a baby was admitted, I held her hand before her heart gave in a few hours after that.
We had two deaths that early morning, an old woman and an infant. But the first death was my father. My brother called to inform me just a few hours when my shift started. I was in disbelief. It can't be real, I told myself. I just focused on my patients. I tried not to cry in front of my colleagues. But when mom called and told me what happened, there and then after the call that I cried so hard. They told me I can go home but I preferred not to. We have patients, we lack manpower. I continued my shift and before it ends, I made a letter of excuse and headed home with a lot in mind that even the 7-hr travel home wasn't enough to carry all the mind load.
I saw dad at home. He was smiling, like telling me, it is okay, it is my time. But still I can't help it but cry and question things. Why so sudden? Why? What if?
We had two deaths that early morning, an old woman and an infant. But the first death was my father. My brother called to inform me just a few hours when my shift started. I was in disbelief. It can't be real, I told myself. I just focused on my patients. I tried not to cry in front of my colleagues. But when mom called and told me what happened, there and then after the call that I cried so hard. They told me I can go home but I preferred not to. We have patients, we lack manpower. I continued my shift and before it ends, I made a letter of excuse and headed home with a lot in mind that even the 7-hr travel home wasn't enough to carry all the mind load.
I saw dad at home. He was smiling, like telling me, it is okay, it is my time. But still I can't help it but cry and question things. Why so sudden? Why? What if?
What if I were home when the incident happened, when he lost breath, I know I could have done something. I've been reviving patients when their heart stopped, why can't I do it with my own dad? I've been basically saving lives of other people I don't even know and why can't I even save my own dad?
But I couldn't because I am always away from home. Whenever I think of home now, there an eerie feeling, like its not the same anymore. I imagine the empty chair where dad used to sit at every meal, the morning coffees he used to make and every Sunday's communion that I always get from him and all others that now every detail matters. There are still days when I find myself wiping tears because I think of him, of how I never imagine him leaving us, of a lot of things to catch up with, to do and all those events I want him to share it with us, of how time can just pass by and we can never turn it back.
But the only sentiment I could feel is knowing he has lived his life, he did his part, and it is his time to go to some place the heavens will surely take him.
But I couldn't because I am always away from home. Whenever I think of home now, there an eerie feeling, like its not the same anymore. I imagine the empty chair where dad used to sit at every meal, the morning coffees he used to make and every Sunday's communion that I always get from him and all others that now every detail matters. There are still days when I find myself wiping tears because I think of him, of how I never imagine him leaving us, of a lot of things to catch up with, to do and all those events I want him to share it with us, of how time can just pass by and we can never turn it back.
But the only sentiment I could feel is knowing he has lived his life, he did his part, and it is his time to go to some place the heavens will surely take him.
You may have left us but you left us with plenty. We needed not to worry but to pray for your soul that you may have eternal peace with the good Lord you have served in your life time.
We miss you dad. I miss you. A lot of unspoken words that I can only regret.
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