These few that just made my day. I hope it does too for you.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
7. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
12. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
13. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
14. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
17. Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.
18. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
19. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
20. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
21. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
25. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
26. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
27. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
28. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an a**hole.
29. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
30. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
31. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
32. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
33. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
34. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
35. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
36. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
37. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
38. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
39. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
40. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
41. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
42. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
43. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
44. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
45. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’.
46. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
47. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
48. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
49. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
50. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
51. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
52. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
53. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
54. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
55. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
56. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
57. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
58. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
59. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
60. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
61. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
62. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
63. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
64. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!!
65. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
66. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
67. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
68. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
69. Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.
70. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? — Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
71. Where do you get virgin wool? — Ugly sheep.
72. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
73. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
74. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
75. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
http://www.lifedaily.com/these-75-short-funny-jokes-will-brighten-your-day/
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
7. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
12. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
13. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
14. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
17. Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.
18. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
19. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
20. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
21. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
25. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
26. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
27. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
28. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an a**hole.
29. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
30. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
31. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
32. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
33. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
34. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
35. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
36. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
37. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
38. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
39. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
40. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
41. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
42. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
43. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
44. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
45. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’.
46. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
47. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
48. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
49. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
50. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
51. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
52. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
53. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
54. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
55. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
56. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
57. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
58. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
59. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
60. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
61. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
62. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
63. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
64. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!!
65. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
66. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
67. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
68. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
69. Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.
70. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? — Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
71. Where do you get virgin wool? — Ugly sheep.
72. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
73. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
74. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more.
75. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
http://www.lifedaily.com/these-75-short-funny-jokes-will-brighten-your-day/
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